I went with Mom to her MS doctor's office today. One of the things that I saw as a bonus of quitting work to take care of Jonas was that I would be able to go to her appointments with her. It was a tough day for me. I was on the verge of tears more than once.
After eighteen years, the anger about Mom's MS has finally set in. I AM SO ANGRY THAT SHE HAS MS! I want to cry. I want to scream. I want the MS to magically- poof!- go away. I want to know why her? Why me? Why my family? What did any of us do to deserve this??? The MS is slowly changing her into another person- a self-centered, exhausted, angry, forgetful, flighty, wobbly old woman- and now, especially more than ever because of Jonas, I JUST WANT MY OLD MOMMY BACK. I want the Physics teacher creating new experiements out of crap laying around our house. I want the woman who drove two high school sophomores up to Lexington, to the University of Kentucky, just so they could maybe catch a glimpse of the basketball players they had crushes on. I want the woman who would "fish" off the front porch with her children on a rainy summer day. Who quilled and crocheted and hot-glued Christmas tree ornaments for the church bazaar and for at home. Who watched Star Wars marathons during Christmas break- everyday. Who used to paint her nails red, perfectly, and then curl up with a good book which would be read cover to cover lickety-split. Who, when I needed comfort, would scratch my arms and rub my ears in her special way for hours with her right hand. The hand that the MS has caused to tingle constantly for eighteen years. The hand that she CAN NO LONGER COMFORT ME WITH BECAUSE IT CAUSES HER PAIN.
I know I am SO LUCKY- I have a son; I just celebrated my 30th birthday; and I got to hear my son's first laugh on the day I celebrated Mom's 60th birthday with her. My mom knows who I am, and she remembers, for now anyway, all the really important stuff about my history and my present. But still, I am angry, and I think I have to grieve for the life that might have been had I never heard her say back in Summer '92:
"I have Multiple Sclerosis."
2 comments:
(((((((HUG)))))))))
I am so sorry for your pain. I want to reach out and hug you, but I can't. You are the woman you are today because of this burden on your soul. Don't know why God does what He/She does, but you gotta believe. Believe that You and Jonas and Jason are the light in her life and your combined strength, faith and love are going to see you through. And if you think you can't take anymore, just reach on out to the many people who love you all - we're here.
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